Letting the days go by...

Have you ever taken stock of you life, like for real? Taken a look at yourself in the mirror, taken a look around your home, your career, your relationships, everything, and wonder how the hell did I get here?

My dad was here this weekend, just briefly came into DC for a convention and came down on Friday night to have dinner and stay the night. He was looking at Q-Tip and asked me how old he was now. I had to think... I got Q-Tip from a friend of my parents' (it's a whole other blog post really). This woman Phyllis who left her two kitties behind (Q-Tip was one, my ex took the other with him), sometime in early 2002. I had just moved in with my ex Alex, to this ridiculous little apartment that we were basically squatting in, and took in Q-Tip and Endo (short for endorphin, which was her full name given by the friend).

Really thinking back to that time in my life, I was 21 and living in Pilsen, going to art school, living with a man-boy with whom I already knew it wasn't going to work. I look at my life right now, I'm 27, living in Fredericksburg, working in Dahlgren for the navy, living with a not-quite-grown-up-man with whom I'm not really sure it's going to work (not that I'm being negative, but if Aaron and I were both really completely sure it was going to work, we'd be married already, and we're not, so obviously we're both a little apprehensive). That 21 y/o me would never have imagined this life. Never in a million years would this have shown up on my radar. Granted I was pretty directionless back then, I really had no clue where I was gonna be. I still feel rather directionless. When I look at what I want for my future, five years from now, I really have no clue where I will be and what I will be doing. I don't really want to be here, doing this.

[random thought] Right now I'm watching Desperate Housewives and I'm looking at Kyle MacLachlan and thinking about how Twin Peaks is a lot like Wysteria Lane.[/random thought]

I feel like I kinda wandered into this spot in life. I'm really not the kind of person who makes plans, or even follows them. I don't feel I've ever really worked hard for something. I don't feel particularly passionate about anything. I sorta almost feel completely numb. Like nothing in particular makes me feel anything in particular. I'm not really happy, but I can't say that I'm exactly unhappy either.

I've probably had more time to myself tonight than I needed. I've been thinking too much. I need a change in my life, but I'm really not sure what that change needs to be. I love Aaron, but sometimes I wonder if he and I have the same goals in life.

My ultimate goal in life would be to actually be HAPPY. I don't know if I will ever know what I really want to do with my life, career-wise, relationship-wise, whatever, until I'm actually truly HAPPY. Not smiling goofy happy, just content, feeling like I have direction and passion, and whatever. But how will I ever feel HAPPY unless I actually have something to feel passionate about, something that makes me feel satisfied?

I'm not really happy at my job. I just don't find it exciting. I don't find it particularly important in any real way. It can definitely be fun sometimes. I have learned a lot since I've been there. I don't really enjoy shooting grip and grins, I don't like paperwork, I don't like archiving things and having to be organized. But when I try and think about what it is I would rather be doing, I'm not really sure. I can't really imagine, right now, a vocation that will truly make me feel important, and stimulated (intellectually), and whatever other emotion you're supposed to feel in regards to your career.

Well whatever it is, I obviously need to shut my brain off right now. I've been thinking too much this evening because I'm home alone and no one is here to distract me. So I will sign off now. Perhaps if I'm not engrossed in ennui tomorrow, I will muster up the energy to dial a phone and speak with a therapist and get started on getting my sh*t together.